It’s extremely common for all of us to “dream big” in all aspects of our lives. It’s not uncommon to hear tales of successful people pursuing their dream job and stopping at nothing to get there. While their perseverance is admirable and inspiring, when we apply the “dream big” philosophy to our love lives, it doesn’t translate as well.
From the evolution of young girls enamored by Cinderella and Prince Charming and happy endings to adult women on the endless quest for “the one,” dreaming big in anticipation of finding your very own Prince Charming. This exhausting endeavor is often validated and even encouraged by our peers, magazines, and a plethora of romantic comedies spanning the decades. You may not remember when you first developed this fantasy man in your head, but it’s that endless list of features and characteristics that you’ve created that allows you to dismiss anyone who doesn’t fulfill your wish list.
Having an extensive list of qualities that your perfect man should have actually stopped you from being able to find someone to build a relationship with. Frequently it’s the investment you’ve made in waiting for the elusive perfect man to come into your life, that you end up missing out on some great guys because they didn’t meet a requirement that you think your guy must have.
Of course, there is a fine line between waiting for a healthy relationship and waiting for the perfect man to sweep you off your feet. Most women hope that their guy will meet all of their criteria. Interestingly, most relationships require two real people coming together with all their own flaws and baggage. The beauty of relationships is able to love someone because of their quirks and flaws.
Unfortunately, many women don’t consciously understand that having a wishlist for a man gets in the way of their ability to develop a satisfying relationship with a good guy. The way it plays out can be subtle to miss, often manifesting as the usual explanations of “not seeing it” and “I should be feeling more than this.”
Women must always ask themselves one simple question to determine if someone could be a potential partner: “what is my motivation for pursuing this guy”? If your answer lies in a wishlist like he’s a doctor, or he’s Jewish, and I need a Jewish guy, then unmistakably you aren’t interested in who this guy actually is. He might as well have just given you his resume of the type of guy he is, and you picked him. That’s the wrong approach towards a healthy relationship. Relationships require you to get to k ow the person, not just what they do or their religion. You may actually have a stronger bond and connection with a Christian artist, and you would have let him go just because on paper he didn’t fulfill the qualities you set for yourself.
Once you are able to let go of the perfect guy and your crazy wishlist of qualities that someone needs to have to date you, you liberate yourself. You allow yourself the opportunity to actually get to know people. You become more engaged when on dates because you’re actually focusing on what the person is saying. You allow everyone to be themselves, imperfections and all. At the same time, you allow yourself to be imperfect and flawed and still worthy of love. Healthy relationships require two people who fully accept themselves coming together to share a beautiful love with one another. So we all have to work on loving ourselves more and no longer seeking love from someone else. By honoring what you actually require in a relationship and opening yourself to a variety of opportunities, you allow the potential for a very healthy relationship to blossom and flourish.
So instead of believing that someone must be perfect on paper, find genuine and sustainable connections. In the end, it’s these connections that make our hearts grow and allow us to actually feel love and peace and comfort, it’s the only way to sustain a healthy relationship.
Now I’d love to hear from all of you. Have you ever written down a list of qualities a significant other must have? Do you see how that could be sabotaging your love life? As always I love reading all your comments and feedback! Please share any comments below.